he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
