I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
