even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
