i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
