does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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