Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
