I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
