Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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