Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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