Jerry, you need to find god
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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