I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
