this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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