i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
