Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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