Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
