It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
