When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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