omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
