I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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