theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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