my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
