I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
