If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
