I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
