She even gives head with a lisp.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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