Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
