So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
