Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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