I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
