We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
