We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
