my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
