I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
