if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
