according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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