i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We are all done wearing pants today
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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