have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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