It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
