Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
