I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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