when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
