Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
