youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
