dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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