You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
