fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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