the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
