Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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