I heard we made out
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
