I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
