We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
