Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
