I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Found your dick twin last night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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