just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
