At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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